Yeah we are winning! Vande Mataram!

Dude! Such an awesome show! Did you see that? Man, how could anybody do that! These guys are inhumans! I almost cried. Aamir is right, something must be done. Vande Mataram. India is the most glorious nation of the world. We are 15000 year old civilization(or was that 5000? fuck it who cares, will google it in the evening). Women are goddesses in our great culture man! I tell you, these muslims are responsible, they invaded us and destroyed our great culture. Aamir? No man, he is a good muslim, there are these bad ones, you know. Nahaate nahi hain yaar!

Yeah, you are right, its an economic issue, these politicians are responsible for all this. That traitor Nehru! Damn these politicians should be hanged, Anna is right. Lets do something about it. We need a revolution, Vande Mataram! Kill’em all. Poverty is the real problem of this country. Poor poor things. What? these poor kids studying with us in schools? You mean, like my school?! Dude, thats not possible, they will not be able to gel with us y’know. I mean, we are a different class, they will not be able to adjust.

Ofcourse, I can adjust but you have to think about the others as well man. I mean imagine the rickshaw waala’s kid would not be bathing properly, it would be unhygenic. Their environment is different. We are the middle class. We are the fastest growing middle class in the world. WE are going to be the second largest consumer base after China in the world man! Vande Mataram! India will be a super power by 2020.

WE are the worlds largest democracy! Vande Mataram. Its just these social issues bring bad name to us. Aamir is right, we need a revolution. Even Chetan’s new book is called revolution 2020! Chetan man! Chetan Bhagat! He is such an awesome writer! Even he says we need a revolution!

What? Yeah that naxal area?! Man I read somewhere that they are like running their own government there! I tell you, these politicians are responsible, we need to bomb these bloody naxals. Vande Mataram! I read somewhere, even Anna says we need to bomb these naxals. No really, somebody shared on my fb wall! I even ‘liked’it! let me check.

Linga who? Linga Kodopi? Soni Sori? Kopa Kunjam? I don’t know man, I will google them but whats that got to do with the naxals? We should declare a war on them. We will win it. We have our supercool Indian army man! We don’t loose a war! Vande Mataram.

What teams are playing today? MI v/s RCB? I tell you RCB will win it today, actually…………………………………………………………………………………………….

Vande Mataram.

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Alternate uses of Navjot Singh Sidhu

Yes, see that face? If you don’t know him, perhaps you are the happiest person around. Now, I am going to introduce you to this humanoid and screw your hapiness forever.

Navjot Singh Sidhu is actually the factor you apply to an unbalanced equation called Manmohan Singh.

By the time Mannu plans to speak and comes out with his first word, Sidhu speaks the exact number of words in the Barron’s GRE guide.

If bullshit is a fertilizer Sidhu’s farms in Punjab would never be barren.

He is a single handed exception to the ‘light travels faster than sound’ rule. Sudden exposure to Sidhu damages your ear drums first; much before your eyes notice his obnoxious dress sense and get destroyed in the process.

Anyways, here I thought maybe I could suggest some alternate uses of Sidhu and indeed serve the humanity. Why not?! If Nuclear power can be used for humanity’s bliss, perhaps Sidhu can be too.

BIJLI

Utilize the energy coming out of his mouth and doing nothing but increasing the entropy of the universe and the blood pressure of people around him. Connect his jaw to some piezoelectric substance and in one day Sidhu would give you enough power to light an entire village, half the fuss when compared to what all SRK had to do in Swades for the same.

English teacher for Ajmal Kasab:

Poor Pakistani illiterate kid who cannot afford a teacher, now since we anyways are paying for his Biryani, why not teach him as well? Who better than the ídiom-at-the-drop-of-a-hat Sidhu. Since we know Kasab has ample amount of time on his hands, why not utilize it. If you die fighting you get 72 hoors, if you survive you get Sidhu as teacher who will pour Merriam Webster down your throat till you choke yourself. That should be a deterrent enough for Kasabs of the future to be caught alive.

The Joker:

If ever, Bollywood decides to remake ‘The Dark Knight’, Sidhu is the obvious choice to play Joker. His evil laughter, his quirks, and add to that he won’t even need dialogues. Something like: “Oh Guru Batman! You may have a golden heart but you are no different than a boiled egg!”

Baba Ramdev’s deputy:

Its quite well known that Sidhu is a fan of Swami Vivekananda: Yes the lightning you just saw out of your window was Swami Vivekananda saying “wtf” from heaven. He does yoga every morning and is always charged enough to run a riot. That all qualifies him enough to be Baba Ramdev’s deputy, especially since his earlier deputy turned out to be such a scared dumbhead after all the Ramlila maidan nautanki. Baba needs a real SINGH now! Add to that, he specialises in the ‘Foot-in-the-mouth aasana’. Welcome addition.

There are so many more ideas in my head right now but I have heard stories of people dying of his powerful strokeplay off the field. I would rather leave this right now and pray he doesn’t read this.

Just a suggestion Sherry: Its good sometimes to shut the fuck up!

Rahul Ram’s IIT marathon v/s Shahrukh Khan’s Yale Fail!

So it seems the NRI’s have contributed to the contorted India success story yet again. Shahrukh Khan(Yes the single brain cell organism who came up with the idea of Ra.One) was invited at Yale to address the students.

Shahrukh addressed a NRI audience of Yale, which was quite apparent. Cheers he recieved, was from the same audience who have liked his incessant hamming for the last 10 years.

These desis are single handedly responsible for a lot of retarded shit in our country. Sending donations to fuckall organizations like Vishwa Hindu Parishad, watching extremely offensive-to-human-brain movies of Yashraj and Karan Johar, are to name a few.

Okay, no more digression; so Mr Khan goes to the stage and does all the nonsense  he is famous for. Magnifying his already super inflated ego by many more notches, reading a crappy written speech and managing to be extremely and supremely BORING! Damn it was so boring I couldn’t stand half of it.

Try your luck

Part 1

Part 2

Compare this now to a speech by a man passionate about his craft but a bit less full of himself. A man who is more important a figure to the indie music scene than Shahrukh is to Indian cinema, Rahul Ram, the vocalist and bass guitarist of the famous Indian ocean band.

This is his speech in a convention held at IIT-D where he shares his life very candidly through a story told so beautifully that it holds you for the entire one odd hour and leaves you with some important questions. Heavily inspiring,extremely thoughtful despite being impromptu and yet so funny at the same time.

Here it is

Dear Shahrukh a piece of advice: when in doubt, its better to be a bit less conscious about self than being a complete asshole and bore the audience to hell.

And all the stupid Desi crowd of Yale, why don’t you keep him there with all his hamming and egomanical fantasies. You deserve Ra.One, more than us!

Conversation with the Real God.

Me: God, can I ask You a question?

God: Sure

Me: Promise You won’t get mad

God: Look my child; I would try to, but then don’t test my patience. I already deal with a lot of shit.

Me: Why did You let so much stuff happen to me today?

God: What stuff?

Me: Well, I woke up late

God: Yes

Me: My car took forever to start

God: Okay

Me: at lunch they made my sandwich wrong & I had to wait

God: Huummm

Me: On the way home, my phone went DEAD, just as I picked up a call

God: All right

Me: And on top of it all off, when I got home ~I just want to soak my feet in my new foot massager & relax. BUT it wouldn’t work!!! Nothing went right today! Why did You do that?

God: Let me see, you got so drunk last night that you passed out on the floor. You should thank me for I gave you enough sanity to turn around in sleep or you might have died choked in your own vomit. Considering, I did not give this privillege to Jimi Hendrix, shouldn’t you be a bit thankful and humble; and not blame me for your assholiness?!

Me (humbled): OH

God: Reg. your car, do you remember you wasted all the money you had on the stupid girl, who not only is cheating on you but exploiting you as well. You decided to delay the service of the car for the third month straight. Well now, when shit has hit the fan you better leave me out of it.

Me: (ashamed)

God: And my child the sandwich was done okay, if only you would leave your annoying nature of being too cocky about things you would lead a normal life. The guy next to you happily took the sandwich called you an asshole and went laughing. Its good you don’t see everything that I see.

Me (embarrassed):Okay

God: And for god sake, okay I am God, for my Sake, you have a shitty phone that asks for a charger as if an infant in a perpetual need of its mother! I know you bought iPhone 3G five years ago during one of your onsite assignments to flaunt it to your offshore collegaues, well they moved on and you are still stuck with this piece of paleolithic age artifact. Steve Jobs met me yesterday and asked me to strike a piece of lightning on all those have not yet ‘synced’ to his updated products. You better pray I don’t listen to him anytime soon.

Me (softly): I see God

God: Oh and that foot massager, you really are pissing me off now. While you were planning to enjoy your foot massager, a four and a half year old was praying to me to give him a pair of slippers so that he may not have to walk barefoot in the heat while going to school. You really think your foot massage is that important?! Now you better get off your ass, read the warranty card and get it done before I do to you what Marsellus Wallace did to Antwan Rockamora after a foot massage.

Me: I’m Sorry God

God: Yeah you better be.

Me: I will trust You.

God: Okay, thats fine but I don’t give a damn you trust me or not. All I beg of you is, have some sense of shame in your actions. The amount of embarassment that I face because of you homo sapiens sapiens is out of any bounds. Let me live in peace, will you?

Me: I won’t God. And let me just tell you God, Thank You for Everything today.

God: Yeah, I knew it. You bloody holybook eaters would remain the same forever. Get Lost.

REPOST if you Believe in HIM ♥

But before that:Learn to deal with your own shit isn’t it?

P.S. The unreal conversation can be found here.

Movie reccomendation-Crazyheart

Well, this is a movie that I recommended in the past, about a year ago.

Bad Blake, a 57 year old Country song writer and singer; a former star who has been forgotten with time and rise of new stars. Midlife crisis leads to loss of creativity and alcholism. Then comes Jean in his life and story takes a turn. Some new lessons some more music. As he says in one of the scenes that most of his music comes from life.

Jeff Bridges has shown why he is probably one of the finest actors in Hollywood. Not only his acting is flawless; his singing captures your notice instantaneously. The insecurities and oddities of his character are portrayed with a brilliant ease, something which he is quite known for anyways.

The second most important character of the movie is without any doubt the music. The songs are a personal favourite. Nice lyrics. Example:

Okay, country music is unintelligent shit but then these are good ones.

“It all happens for a reason even when its wrong; especially when its wrong” beat that.

Notable performances are Maggie Gyllenhaal and Colin Farrel.

The vast landscapes of American countryside and a story of a man struggling with his own vices and redeeming himself through his soulful music. Its a movie that gives you a good feeling when it ends.

Reminds you of how sometimes, letting things go instead of trying to fix them is a better way out coz ‘this ain’t no place for the weary kind..’

Must Watch.

Children of Heaven-Majid Majidi

Its too late to recommend this movie as its a pheomenon known everywhere by now, however its one of the movies which I had with me for so long but could never see it.

A story about two beautiful children and a pair of sneakers. Isn’t this a bit captivating to start with? The film is more than that. Majid Majidi beautifully captures the moments in the life of two children, who are dealing with a crisis: A pair of shoes are lost and the brother and sister have to find a solution to this problem. The life is not as simple as a normal brother and sister pair as they both realise the economic situation there family is in.What follows is a story so brilliantly told that it would keep you smiling subconsciously without even realising.

Majidi makes the kids act so natural you almost forget somewhere that they are actually acting and not really sharing a pair of shoes amongst themselves. Cinematic brilliance. You cannot miss a single expression. Especially the intense conversation that the kids have amongst themselves!

The entire movie on youtube in 11 segments in HD. The google video link is posted. Enjoy.